TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town Traditionally recognized for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be large. Large!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed from your Placing inexperienced inside of Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and totally outside of spot. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • And a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Of course, sure, let's have A further place where American Guys can don robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst prior negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: offer Anyone a collection within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be tender electricity," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination noted, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower in Trump Tower Damascus a war zone. It really is that he should really quit employing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the project, replied, "You understand, gentleman, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people today. Great tan. In any case, do I still have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping types a large Trump head seen from Room, a function being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as chin is… very well, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after acquiring the constructing's gold plating mirrored much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It really is not merely hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Confusing Functions


Probably the strangest element on the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where friends may perhaps ponder vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, total with local weather Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Regional Syrians are Not sure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Approach: "When you Bomb It, They may Appear"


The advertisement campaign, lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Eternally."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "exactly where's the closest elevator on the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is now attracting focus from international traders, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll get a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level may even include:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort in which my PTSD can have flip-down provider."


A different article from @KuwaitiKardashian basically asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to develop a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Last Feelings in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You're welcome."

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